Starting over is hard but we all do it at deferent parts of our lives and with deferent aspects. New attitude, new town, new career; the combinations are endless. I have come to a point in my life where just about all of those converged into one. I just moved across country (Alaska to California, never let it be said I do anything half ass), and have gone back to school to be a network engineer. I bring this up for a preamble into this editions topic (one I haven't even decided yet).
I have come to a point of being so mentally busy with school and pretty much knowing and deciding that my future life hangs in the balance. I think we have all hit these points before and it is a pretty exciting and scary place to be. You see you cannot have success without failure, love without hate, joy without sorrow. To be scared of one ultimately means you fear the other. Without failure success wouldn't be possible, without hate there wouldn't be love. I have come to realize this in my new surroundings more then ever. You see, do to the level of intensity I have come to operate in it became evident that if I turn of the hate the love goes with it. If I strive for success that failure is there hand in hand with it. To turn it all off and not contemplate either is a great answer, unfortunately the default human anatomy has this bug called a subconscious that grows in equivalence to how much you turn off in the conscious. This rule is painfully true but unfortunately not realized 'til your subconscious is full and finally says "Enough!!".
I have for so long been an amateur profit and (non religious) spiritual leader to many that surround me. I enjoy this role and take it very seriously. I have lived my life be the code of karma and think I have done pretty well so far. I am not the person I was yesterday, nor am I the person I will be tomorrow, I simply have lived in the moment; guided by my past and pulled by my future. Now although this was a pretty good plan and I have no regrets or complaints I still come to fear one or both of several combinations I spoke of earlier. You see undertaking going back to school at 30, and changing careers along with geographical location has stripped me of all the influences that sometimes hold us back. It is easy when you live in the same town your whole life, or do the same thing everyday to become complacent and let life drift by; one drunk weekend at a time. I strived my whole life not to let this be me. Throwing caution into the wind I slammed it into high gear and did all the things I wanted to expireriance. Each instance adding to my life knowledge (just like everyone else). Well this may have caught up to me in the fact that now faced with all the changes and things that have arisen in the past few months I realized for the first time in my life I was truly scared of failure, and what's worse is success almost scares me more. This, of coarse, creates a cascade effect in the damn subconscious and all of a sudden it becomes very easy to fear walking out the door, much lees out into the world.
What is the answer to all this mess you may ask? Well hell if I know, but I do know this; the world doesn't stop just because you decide not to interact with it for a while. I also have come to the conclusion that its OK to step out for a while. Me, I checked out for a while. School and an internship at a networking company I recently got are my world. Ghostly white and huddled behind a monitor provides me with the safety and security I need right now to overcome the things that may hold me back. It is deferent for everyone, but that is my world, that is my place where I am in control and no matter what comes I fear nothing. My Happy Place.
I really don't know if there is a message in all this for anyone, but to me understanding what is happening in your life, and what you may or may not fear is just as important as getting an answer to something. I never really had any answers, just an uncanny perception to describe the problem. If you know me, and if by some chance I helped you through something, you can look back and see that I never gave you an answer; I just described the problem in an easy way to understand.
I leave you with this, finding and going to your happy place is a healthy and mind settling thing to do.
It only becomes a problem when you cant leave it.
Yotamaster